Arizona

• May 30th: Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
  
  
• June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
  
  
• June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
  
  
• July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least its kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
  
  
• July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
  
  
• July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at  noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the upholstery. The car now smells. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
  
  
• July 25th: Even the wind is hot. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
  
  
• July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
  
  
• Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and still only gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
  
  
• Aug. 8th: If another wise guy cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Darn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
  
  
• Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my rear-end was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. Now my car smells like burnt hair, and baked cat.
  
  
• Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a darn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this darn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this darn heat.
  
  
• Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 118 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the darn windshield out of the car.
  
  
• The installer came to fix the windshield, and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Arizona!! "What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??" Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

[ Author Unknown -- from arizona_humor-owner@yahoogroups.com -- Ed:Arizona native ]