Reasons You Might Be in the Wrong Church

(Original version Copyright 2000 by Keith Todd of the Sermon Fodder.
This version has been edited.)

1. You Might Be In The Wrong Church If............
   
   
2. You have to pass through a metal detector to get inside.
   
   
3. The scripture lesson is on "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
   
   
4. The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" as a polka!
   
   
5. It's over 100 degrees outside, and the trustees haven't approved turning on the air conditioning yet.
   
   
6. Everyone drives a nicer car than the pastor.
   
   
7. They believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of Church and state.
   
   
8. The preacher is wearing a "David Koresh Rules!" t-shirt
   
   
9. The sign out front says "First Church of the Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship." (In Del Rio, Texas?)
   
   
10. A week before Christmas the pastor announces the church will be "closed for the holidays."
    
    
11. Everyone agrees the temperature in the Sanctuary is absolutely perfect!
    
    
12. You're on your way to a wedding and walk in on a funeral (or vice versa).
    
    
13. The music director has you sing "Amazing Grace" in the round (a la "row row row your boat").
    
    
14. Three words: Pastor Larry King.
    
    
15. The pastor is out of town, but he leaves a video taped message to be shown during the worship service.
    
    
16. The church picnic will be held at KFC this year.
    
    
17. You are a member of AARP but they ask you to attend "Children's Church."
    
    
18. There's no "Reserved For Minister" parking place, only a sign saying 'Visiting preachers can shelter their horses in the stable stall marked 'preacher'.
    
    
19. The sign out front says "Church-Lite: Home of the original ten minute Sermonette, and the 7.5 Percent Tithe."
    
    
20. Every illustration the preacher uses somehow refers to "those hilarious Budweiser frogs".
    
    
21. The missions budget just got cut in half, but the church treasurer just bought a "kickin'" new Harley.
    
    
22. Elders Council "prayer meetings" usually break up in a fight for the remote control.
    
    
23. New "Purpose-Driven" mission statement includes vague reference to jello-wrestling.
    
    
24. Most frequent complaint to worship committee: "Too much Charo, not enough Elvis."
    
    
25. New head greeters: Mike Tyson and WWF President Vince McMahon.
    
    
26. On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be their pastor.
    
    
27. The acolytes are roasting hot dogs and marshmallows over the altar candles.
    
    
28. You are told your offering is nice but the ushers want your wallet, watch, and wedding rings too.
    
    
29. The usher that meets you at the door says "Hurry on in, the show is about ready to start."
    
    
30. The announcements last 2 minutes and include the starting time of the afternoon's NASCAR Race, the sermon lasts 6 minutes, and the benediction is "Christians, start your engines ."
    
    
31. The pastor wears his golf togs in the pulpit.
    
    
32. The regular pastoral retreats almost always seem to be in either Las Vegas or Atlantic City.
    
    
33. The organist is Boris Karloff or appears to be his stunt double.
    
    
34. On the offering envelopes is printed "Please make checks payable directly to the pastor."
    
    
35. A Hazmat team just sealed the doors and placed quarantine signs up.
    
    
36. People in the last 10 pews are yelling for more pepperoni pizza with anchovies.
    
    
37. Everyone is handcuffed together at the ankles before preaching starts.
    
    
38. You are asked to fasten your seatbelt before the service begins moving.
    
    
39. You are the only person in the sanctuary and it's 15 minutes after church is scheduled to start.
    
    
40. The confessional has a coin slot and a hand lever.
    
    
41. The pastor search committee never disbands.
    
    
42. Bill Clinton is the speaker of the day and his topic is "Morality In America How To Be A Shining Example."
    
    
43. The pastor is introduced with a Johnny Carson style "Heeeeere's Sparky."
    
    
44. The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".
    
    
45. Just before the sermon, cups of strong black coffee are distributed along the pews.
    
    
46. The ushers passing around the offering basket are wearing ski masks.
    
    
47. The band for the services has a tip jar on the loudspeaker and all the songs are about money.
    
    
48. They have a volunteer blood drive in the morning service that is to be used for some vague purpose in the evening service.
    
    
49. The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.
    
    
50. The Choir wears black leather robes.
    
    
51. The sanctuary has only entrances, no "exits"!
    
    
52. The ushers look mysteriously like "Men in Black"! (Yes, with sunglasses)
    
    
53. The offering plate has been passed three times and the sermon hasn't even begun yet.
    
    
54. The people in the pew next to you brought a sack lunch.
    
    
55. The acolyte is the youngest member of the congregation, and she is 76.
    
    
56. The pastor's sermon begins: "Let me tell you about my book..."
    
    
57. The music minister announces that the liturgy will be sung to the tune of "Wagner's Etude in F sharp minor" and raises his baton.
    
    
58. When the choir sings, the dogs outside begin to howl, and are closer to being in tune.
    
    
59. New member candidates are required to submit W-2's for the last 5 years.
    
    
60. You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions or offers to let you "pick any six."
    
    
61. The Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.
    
    
62. The New Member's kit includes a certificate of membership, a Bible, church-by-laws, and an assault rifle.
    
    
63. You're the only person in the congregation who is carrying a Bible, including the preacher.
    
    
64. The Ushers ask "Smoking or non-smoking?"
    
    
65. The Church bus has a gun rack.
    
    
66. There's an ATM machine in the vestibule.
    
    
67. Members of the Women's quartet are all married to the pastor.
    
    
68. . . . and the number one sign you're in the wrong church . . .
    
    
69. They have open Communion . . . but there is a two-drink minimum.

[ by: Keith Todd - received from Chris Long at 'Laugh & Lift' (www.laughandlift.com) ]